No miracles happened in February. There might have been some but I wasn’t paying attention as the ones I was wishing and hoping for did not come around. Within almost two weeks apart I mourned and celebrated the lives of two of the most incredible beings I have ever come across. They both lost their battle to cancer.
What did I learn? I need more time to digest the pain and invite clarity in again, but for now I float in the “meantime”. I feel the pain but not the loss. It’s the weirdest feeling I’ve experienced. They are here still but away on a trip. I don’t want to let go and I don’t think I ever will. I don’t have to let go.
The big “unavoidable” will arrive for every single one of us. I have always been afraid to think about it. Every time the thought of it crossed my mind, for myself and loved ones, I would tear up and erase it from my thoughts right away. The fear of the ultimate unknown resides in most of us. I was forced to face it when it hit so close to home twice; there was no running away.
During my saddest moments I kept telling myself: “We all end up there anyway!” trying to make it easier nursing the pain. In general, on a regular day, that would help but when you are immersed in the unease, it just doesn’t make sense! I don’t know where “there” is but we are all boarding that plane, train, boat, bus, etc. one way or another. So it can’t be that bad, can it?!
We are selfish beings. We want people the way we want them and when we want them only to realize not having the choice any longer strips away a major part of our egos. The “inevitable” compels us to find ways to cope. Perspective, from an angle I never thought to explore, is what I have gained from this experience. I turned to what I know is best for me: spending even more time with my family and friends, enjoying the view more when skiing, breathing deeper when running, taking extra time sipping my coffee, etc.
My two loved ones did not leave without instructing the most valuable lessons as they both loved life and lived to the fullest with pure honesty and love. Happiness was present in their daily hours and minutes. Their beautiful smiles, laughter and joy vouched for it all.
